I'm having a crisis!

Okay, not really. But it's still serious.

I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I'm Pansexual. It's like, I keep falling back into old habits, and people still call me a lesbian all the time. The latter aspect I can't help, since I'm a closet Pans. I feel like once I can escape the old views of my high school, life can be better for me and the way I see things.

Anyway, I'm making progress! I checked the "Pansexual" under the Sexual Orientation section on my GSA Activist Form and I actually felt a little prideful, but in a good way. Now all I want is a T-Shirt with a heart and a pan in front of it, for Pride parades! Doesn't that sound like a great idea?

Tonight, I got to learn about my friend, Ira. He is a Transgender male, pre-op. He's one of the most brilliant speakers I know and a big role model in my life. I went on Facebook a few hours ago and looked up his page (because I had to tell him something about somethingblah) and saw he had a Tumblr. I have a Tumblr too and I LOVE it so much, so I checked out his page. That's where I found that he has a Youtube, which made me flip out even more because Youtube is MY LIFE! And then, from that one video on his page, I got to learn of the organisation he and his girlfriend are trying to get moving. The group is called TheCircle, which provides support for people who are trying to become the identity they need to be. They are trying to get binders and packers for FTM's (and makeup kits for MTF's) who don't have the funds to get it themselves.

I had never even thought about this issue. I mean, I've had a Transexual friend for years now, and I never thought about how he felt about it. Mostly because he doesn't talk about it, but still, it's an eye-opening experience. Anyway, I want to help with this movement, because no one should have to feel like an enemy in their own skin. So I donated 50 bucks to TheCircle, because they need T-Shirt money, and I love spending money on people. No really, I love it, just ask KimmehFace.

So I've made a resolution that I'll periodically donate 50 bucks every so often to TheCircle, until I stop working in August. I just made that resolution now, so someone will have to remind me eventually. Any volunteers?

Feelings

Side Note: This is a Blog convincing myself how horrible a person I am. You can't change this fact, its just how I need to deal with all this.


Do you ever feel like you are full of an emotion that you can't decipher? Or is it really not one emotion, but a combination of feelings that just weigh heavy on your heart?



My heart kinda sucks all the time.


I am in a committed relationship with the most brilliant, adorable person ever, and I'm not happy. It's not that there's anything concrete that's wrong with her, but there are some things about her (that she can't change, even if she tried) that I simply don't care for.

*sigh*

You will never know how difficult it is to admit that to y'all. But there it is, and I currently have a crush on 4 different people at the same time. (And one of them doesn't even live in my country.)

Maybe I'll learn to get over all this internal drama, but until then, I'm going to keep treating my girlfriend with the respect and love she deserves, even though she doesn't deserve any of mine.

Xena: Warrior Princess

Call me obsessed, but this show just keeps getting more amazing with each episode. I can't believe that I've gotten hooked on a show that I started watching on a whim! That never happens with me. I thank the Gods for netflix now. I get to watch all these fantastic shows for free (kinda)! Well, my parents pay for it, and they get a lot out of it too, but I think I'm getting the better end of the bargain, as I am watching 3 TV shows on it at the same time! I have a problem, I know. And now that I can get Netflix on my Wii, I don't think I'll ever leave the media room again.
But with Xena, it's just plain and simple: It's awesome. The landscapes that they go through are these beautiful, green rolling hills that gives off that air of elder lands. And Xena's freaking horse is the coolest thing ever! It's a coat color I've never didn't even know existed! And Xena's leather armour is quite something to look at too. *winky face* I was talking to my friend, Jon, about this series (because he grew up watching Xena) and he said that it only gets better from here. Personally, I can't wait. I'm still reeling from the fact that Xena's first season has the complete 24 episodes! I just got through episode 8 as of now (it'll change today too, as I will be going back to watch Xena after I finish this blog).
Last week was a little tough for me, due to the fact that I had to watch the Zapruder Film for History class. I literally saw President Kennedy's face get blown off. And then they showed it in freaking slow motion. It affected me more than I'd care to admit here. Then I just finished reading the short novel called Of Mice and Men. I won't spoil the ending for the one's who haven't read it yet. After that, I went home to watch all my television. Someone died in every show I watched, and I watch a lot of television. Thinking about it now, it wasn't more that it was a coincidence, it was just that those shows always had someone dying in them, I was just more sensitive to it right then. After having Every 15 Minutes happen just a month ago, and all this other this death stuff happen to me, I don't even know how I feel anymore. The feeling's almost indescribable. It's like I get the gravity of death more now. I dunno, its almost crazy to talk about because I've never had anyone close to me die (except for my dearly departed puppy who was taken from me due to cancer), but I still feel like I understand it more, and its scary. It makes me reconsider wanting to become a part of the Justice system, because I am putting myself in a hazardous occupation, but you could say that about any job, I guess.

Wow, okay. Yeah, I'm done talking.