So my life in general is pretty awesome right now. I finally figured out an outline of what my college career is gonna look like, I'm getting more and more subscribers everyday on my Youtube show, I just finished reading a fantastic book about Kathy Griffin and her amazingness, and I'm getting decent grades in school.
Despite all this, I'm still fighting the sadness that I got going on. I dunno why I feel this way, which is weird because I'm usually really intune with that kinda stuff but I'm not. Okay, I might have an inkling of what's going on but it's a little complicated.
I think it started after I realized my latest ex-gf (Let's call her Mandy) was a little too unstable for my liking. I don't want to go into all the dramatic details, but our relationship was becoming all about texting, and not about talking face to face. I didn't feel like Mandy was gonna be honest with me when I have legit conversations with her, so I ended it as fast as I could (I sent a text message. Thought it would be poetic on a one-sided kinda way. Mandy doesn't get nuance). Not to mention, she decided it would be alright to tell me some deeply personal information about her life over a 6 page text message, which I am NOT okay with at all under any circumstance. Oh, and she's kinda illiterate too...
Anyway, Did I mention I hate cellphones? They've been the downfall of 2 of my relationships so far so I'm kinda sick of all the bullshit about texting. I'd turn off my texting plan, if it wasn't so important in contacting my parents during class and whatnot.
But I digress, so it happened after I had to reschedule a date with Mandy for the 3rd time or something due to my sucky schedule and so I rollerbladed over to her house in the rain to tell her that I'm sorry (cuz I'm not a heartless bitch and I felt so incredibly guilty about the rescheduling game). I dunno, but in that moment that I was getting ready to go over there, I just felt this profound sense of sadness just fill me. I really can't describe it accurately enough because all I could think was “This entire situation is just sad”. And then that phrase became a part of me and now I'm all sad.
-sigh- Well after I broke up with Mandy (which was this monday), I've done all I can to avoid her because I have no desire or any feeling to try to talk to her. She got so weird that I just can't deal with it. I didn't sign on to that and so I'm avoiding it. Instead of hanging out with the group that Mandy hangs in (which used to be my main clique), I've been hanging in the band room with my bando friends. It's not a bad thing really. I feel like I'm getting to know my band mates a lot more now. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, its not the same. All my gay friends are over with Mandy, and now I can't stand to be near them in fear of being near her and her questions she may or may not ask me (more likely she will ask me to talk).
I dunno what next week will bring, but I'm just gonna deal with it however I can. It's probably not the “right” thing to do, but it makes me feel better. OH! And I've got a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) Leadership Meeting that's happening next Saturday! I'm bringing Kim and two freshmen president canidates for when I graduate. I'm really stoked about being able to do that again because it was such a blast last time. :)
Oh and all my drama and troubles, you'll never hear it on my youtube channel. Ever. No one wants to hear about sadness (unless theyre a bunch of emos who actually search for that stuff).
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