Side Note: This is a Blog convincing myself how horrible a person I am. You can't change this fact, its just how I need to deal with all this.
Do you ever feel like you are full of an emotion that you can't decipher? Or is it really not one emotion, but a combination of feelings that just weigh heavy on your heart?
My heart kinda sucks all the time.
I am in a committed relationship with the most brilliant, adorable person ever, and I'm not happy. It's not that there's anything concrete that's wrong with her, but there are some things about her (that she can't change, even if she tried) that I simply don't care for.
*sigh*
You will never know how difficult it is to admit that to y'all. But there it is, and I currently have a crush on 4 different people at the same time. (And one of them doesn't even live in my country.)
Maybe I'll learn to get over all this internal drama, but until then, I'm going to keep treating my girlfriend with the respect and love she deserves, even though she doesn't deserve any of mine.
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Xena: Warrior Princess
Call me obsessed, but this show just keeps getting more amazing with each episode. I can't believe that I've gotten hooked on a show that I started watching on a whim! That never happens with me. I thank the Gods for netflix now. I get to watch all these fantastic shows for free (kinda)! Well, my parents pay for it, and they get a lot out of it too, but I think I'm getting the better end of the bargain, as I am watching 3 TV shows on it at the same time! I have a problem, I know. And now that I can get Netflix on my Wii, I don't think I'll ever leave the media room again.
But with Xena, it's just plain and simple: It's awesome. The landscapes that they go through are these beautiful, green rolling hills that gives off that air of elder lands. And Xena's freaking horse is the coolest thing ever! It's a coat color I've never didn't even know existed! And Xena's leather armour is quite something to look at too. *winky face* I was talking to my friend, Jon, about this series (because he grew up watching Xena) and he said that it only gets better from here. Personally, I can't wait. I'm still reeling from the fact that Xena's first season has the complete 24 episodes! I just got through episode 8 as of now (it'll change today too, as I will be going back to watch Xena after I finish this blog).
Last week was a little tough for me, due to the fact that I had to watch the Zapruder Film for History class. I literally saw President Kennedy's face get blown off. And then they showed it in freaking slow motion. It affected me more than I'd care to admit here. Then I just finished reading the short novel called Of Mice and Men. I won't spoil the ending for the one's who haven't read it yet. After that, I went home to watch all my television. Someone died in every show I watched, and I watch a lot of television. Thinking about it now, it wasn't more that it was a coincidence, it was just that those shows always had someone dying in them, I was just more sensitive to it right then. After having Every 15 Minutes happen just a month ago, and all this other this death stuff happen to me, I don't even know how I feel anymore. The feeling's almost indescribable. It's like I get the gravity of death more now. I dunno, its almost crazy to talk about because I've never had anyone close to me die (except for my dearly departed puppy who was taken from me due to cancer), but I still feel like I understand it more, and its scary. It makes me reconsider wanting to become a part of the Justice system, because I am putting myself in a hazardous occupation, but you could say that about any job, I guess.
Wow, okay. Yeah, I'm done talking.
But with Xena, it's just plain and simple: It's awesome. The landscapes that they go through are these beautiful, green rolling hills that gives off that air of elder lands. And Xena's freaking horse is the coolest thing ever! It's a coat color I've never didn't even know existed! And Xena's leather armour is quite something to look at too. *winky face* I was talking to my friend, Jon, about this series (because he grew up watching Xena) and he said that it only gets better from here. Personally, I can't wait. I'm still reeling from the fact that Xena's first season has the complete 24 episodes! I just got through episode 8 as of now (it'll change today too, as I will be going back to watch Xena after I finish this blog).
Last week was a little tough for me, due to the fact that I had to watch the Zapruder Film for History class. I literally saw President Kennedy's face get blown off. And then they showed it in freaking slow motion. It affected me more than I'd care to admit here. Then I just finished reading the short novel called Of Mice and Men. I won't spoil the ending for the one's who haven't read it yet. After that, I went home to watch all my television. Someone died in every show I watched, and I watch a lot of television. Thinking about it now, it wasn't more that it was a coincidence, it was just that those shows always had someone dying in them, I was just more sensitive to it right then. After having Every 15 Minutes happen just a month ago, and all this other this death stuff happen to me, I don't even know how I feel anymore. The feeling's almost indescribable. It's like I get the gravity of death more now. I dunno, its almost crazy to talk about because I've never had anyone close to me die (except for my dearly departed puppy who was taken from me due to cancer), but I still feel like I understand it more, and its scary. It makes me reconsider wanting to become a part of the Justice system, because I am putting myself in a hazardous occupation, but you could say that about any job, I guess.
Wow, okay. Yeah, I'm done talking.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Sad and Lame
This Blog is going to be about me and my sadface. If you don't want to read about my troubles and get youself in a downer kinda mood, then don't read this. Thankies!
So my life in general is pretty awesome right now. I finally figured out an outline of what my college career is gonna look like, I'm getting more and more subscribers everyday on my Youtube show, I just finished reading a fantastic book about Kathy Griffin and her amazingness, and I'm getting decent grades in school.
Despite all this, I'm still fighting the sadness that I got going on. I dunno why I feel this way, which is weird because I'm usually really intune with that kinda stuff but I'm not. Okay, I might have an inkling of what's going on but it's a little complicated.
I think it started after I realized my latest ex-gf (Let's call her Mandy) was a little too unstable for my liking. I don't want to go into all the dramatic details, but our relationship was becoming all about texting, and not about talking face to face. I didn't feel like Mandy was gonna be honest with me when I have legit conversations with her, so I ended it as fast as I could (I sent a text message. Thought it would be poetic on a one-sided kinda way. Mandy doesn't get nuance). Not to mention, she decided it would be alright to tell me some deeply personal information about her life over a 6 page text message, which I am NOT okay with at all under any circumstance. Oh, and she's kinda illiterate too...
Anyway, Did I mention I hate cellphones? They've been the downfall of 2 of my relationships so far so I'm kinda sick of all the bullshit about texting. I'd turn off my texting plan, if it wasn't so important in contacting my parents during class and whatnot.
But I digress, so it happened after I had to reschedule a date with Mandy for the 3rd time or something due to my sucky schedule and so I rollerbladed over to her house in the rain to tell her that I'm sorry (cuz I'm not a heartless bitch and I felt so incredibly guilty about the rescheduling game). I dunno, but in that moment that I was getting ready to go over there, I just felt this profound sense of sadness just fill me. I really can't describe it accurately enough because all I could think was “This entire situation is just sad”. And then that phrase became a part of me and now I'm all sad.
-sigh- Well after I broke up with Mandy (which was this monday), I've done all I can to avoid her because I have no desire or any feeling to try to talk to her. She got so weird that I just can't deal with it. I didn't sign on to that and so I'm avoiding it. Instead of hanging out with the group that Mandy hangs in (which used to be my main clique), I've been hanging in the band room with my bando friends. It's not a bad thing really. I feel like I'm getting to know my band mates a lot more now. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, its not the same. All my gay friends are over with Mandy, and now I can't stand to be near them in fear of being near her and her questions she may or may not ask me (more likely she will ask me to talk).
I dunno what next week will bring, but I'm just gonna deal with it however I can. It's probably not the “right” thing to do, but it makes me feel better. OH! And I've got a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) Leadership Meeting that's happening next Saturday! I'm bringing Kim and two freshmen president canidates for when I graduate. I'm really stoked about being able to do that again because it was such a blast last time. :)
Oh and all my drama and troubles, you'll never hear it on my youtube channel. Ever. No one wants to hear about sadness (unless theyre a bunch of emos who actually search for that stuff).
So my life in general is pretty awesome right now. I finally figured out an outline of what my college career is gonna look like, I'm getting more and more subscribers everyday on my Youtube show, I just finished reading a fantastic book about Kathy Griffin and her amazingness, and I'm getting decent grades in school.
Despite all this, I'm still fighting the sadness that I got going on. I dunno why I feel this way, which is weird because I'm usually really intune with that kinda stuff but I'm not. Okay, I might have an inkling of what's going on but it's a little complicated.
I think it started after I realized my latest ex-gf (Let's call her Mandy) was a little too unstable for my liking. I don't want to go into all the dramatic details, but our relationship was becoming all about texting, and not about talking face to face. I didn't feel like Mandy was gonna be honest with me when I have legit conversations with her, so I ended it as fast as I could (I sent a text message. Thought it would be poetic on a one-sided kinda way. Mandy doesn't get nuance). Not to mention, she decided it would be alright to tell me some deeply personal information about her life over a 6 page text message, which I am NOT okay with at all under any circumstance. Oh, and she's kinda illiterate too...
Anyway, Did I mention I hate cellphones? They've been the downfall of 2 of my relationships so far so I'm kinda sick of all the bullshit about texting. I'd turn off my texting plan, if it wasn't so important in contacting my parents during class and whatnot.
But I digress, so it happened after I had to reschedule a date with Mandy for the 3rd time or something due to my sucky schedule and so I rollerbladed over to her house in the rain to tell her that I'm sorry (cuz I'm not a heartless bitch and I felt so incredibly guilty about the rescheduling game). I dunno, but in that moment that I was getting ready to go over there, I just felt this profound sense of sadness just fill me. I really can't describe it accurately enough because all I could think was “This entire situation is just sad”. And then that phrase became a part of me and now I'm all sad.
-sigh- Well after I broke up with Mandy (which was this monday), I've done all I can to avoid her because I have no desire or any feeling to try to talk to her. She got so weird that I just can't deal with it. I didn't sign on to that and so I'm avoiding it. Instead of hanging out with the group that Mandy hangs in (which used to be my main clique), I've been hanging in the band room with my bando friends. It's not a bad thing really. I feel like I'm getting to know my band mates a lot more now. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, its not the same. All my gay friends are over with Mandy, and now I can't stand to be near them in fear of being near her and her questions she may or may not ask me (more likely she will ask me to talk).
I dunno what next week will bring, but I'm just gonna deal with it however I can. It's probably not the “right” thing to do, but it makes me feel better. OH! And I've got a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) Leadership Meeting that's happening next Saturday! I'm bringing Kim and two freshmen president canidates for when I graduate. I'm really stoked about being able to do that again because it was such a blast last time. :)
Oh and all my drama and troubles, you'll never hear it on my youtube channel. Ever. No one wants to hear about sadness (unless theyre a bunch of emos who actually search for that stuff).
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