I'm having a crisis!

Okay, not really. But it's still serious.

I'm having trouble accepting the fact that I'm Pansexual. It's like, I keep falling back into old habits, and people still call me a lesbian all the time. The latter aspect I can't help, since I'm a closet Pans. I feel like once I can escape the old views of my high school, life can be better for me and the way I see things.

Anyway, I'm making progress! I checked the "Pansexual" under the Sexual Orientation section on my GSA Activist Form and I actually felt a little prideful, but in a good way. Now all I want is a T-Shirt with a heart and a pan in front of it, for Pride parades! Doesn't that sound like a great idea?

Tonight, I got to learn about my friend, Ira. He is a Transgender male, pre-op. He's one of the most brilliant speakers I know and a big role model in my life. I went on Facebook a few hours ago and looked up his page (because I had to tell him something about somethingblah) and saw he had a Tumblr. I have a Tumblr too and I LOVE it so much, so I checked out his page. That's where I found that he has a Youtube, which made me flip out even more because Youtube is MY LIFE! And then, from that one video on his page, I got to learn of the organisation he and his girlfriend are trying to get moving. The group is called TheCircle, which provides support for people who are trying to become the identity they need to be. They are trying to get binders and packers for FTM's (and makeup kits for MTF's) who don't have the funds to get it themselves.

I had never even thought about this issue. I mean, I've had a Transexual friend for years now, and I never thought about how he felt about it. Mostly because he doesn't talk about it, but still, it's an eye-opening experience. Anyway, I want to help with this movement, because no one should have to feel like an enemy in their own skin. So I donated 50 bucks to TheCircle, because they need T-Shirt money, and I love spending money on people. No really, I love it, just ask KimmehFace.

So I've made a resolution that I'll periodically donate 50 bucks every so often to TheCircle, until I stop working in August. I just made that resolution now, so someone will have to remind me eventually. Any volunteers?

Feelings

Side Note: This is a Blog convincing myself how horrible a person I am. You can't change this fact, its just how I need to deal with all this.


Do you ever feel like you are full of an emotion that you can't decipher? Or is it really not one emotion, but a combination of feelings that just weigh heavy on your heart?



My heart kinda sucks all the time.


I am in a committed relationship with the most brilliant, adorable person ever, and I'm not happy. It's not that there's anything concrete that's wrong with her, but there are some things about her (that she can't change, even if she tried) that I simply don't care for.

*sigh*

You will never know how difficult it is to admit that to y'all. But there it is, and I currently have a crush on 4 different people at the same time. (And one of them doesn't even live in my country.)

Maybe I'll learn to get over all this internal drama, but until then, I'm going to keep treating my girlfriend with the respect and love she deserves, even though she doesn't deserve any of mine.

Xena: Warrior Princess

Call me obsessed, but this show just keeps getting more amazing with each episode. I can't believe that I've gotten hooked on a show that I started watching on a whim! That never happens with me. I thank the Gods for netflix now. I get to watch all these fantastic shows for free (kinda)! Well, my parents pay for it, and they get a lot out of it too, but I think I'm getting the better end of the bargain, as I am watching 3 TV shows on it at the same time! I have a problem, I know. And now that I can get Netflix on my Wii, I don't think I'll ever leave the media room again.
But with Xena, it's just plain and simple: It's awesome. The landscapes that they go through are these beautiful, green rolling hills that gives off that air of elder lands. And Xena's freaking horse is the coolest thing ever! It's a coat color I've never didn't even know existed! And Xena's leather armour is quite something to look at too. *winky face* I was talking to my friend, Jon, about this series (because he grew up watching Xena) and he said that it only gets better from here. Personally, I can't wait. I'm still reeling from the fact that Xena's first season has the complete 24 episodes! I just got through episode 8 as of now (it'll change today too, as I will be going back to watch Xena after I finish this blog).
Last week was a little tough for me, due to the fact that I had to watch the Zapruder Film for History class. I literally saw President Kennedy's face get blown off. And then they showed it in freaking slow motion. It affected me more than I'd care to admit here. Then I just finished reading the short novel called Of Mice and Men. I won't spoil the ending for the one's who haven't read it yet. After that, I went home to watch all my television. Someone died in every show I watched, and I watch a lot of television. Thinking about it now, it wasn't more that it was a coincidence, it was just that those shows always had someone dying in them, I was just more sensitive to it right then. After having Every 15 Minutes happen just a month ago, and all this other this death stuff happen to me, I don't even know how I feel anymore. The feeling's almost indescribable. It's like I get the gravity of death more now. I dunno, its almost crazy to talk about because I've never had anyone close to me die (except for my dearly departed puppy who was taken from me due to cancer), but I still feel like I understand it more, and its scary. It makes me reconsider wanting to become a part of the Justice system, because I am putting myself in a hazardous occupation, but you could say that about any job, I guess.

Wow, okay. Yeah, I'm done talking.

Good Evening!

Hello my wonderful not blog peoples. Seriously, I wouldn't even care if no one read this blog ever. Its the fact that I get to go back and read my crazy thoughts and smile. That's what I just did now. I read all like, five of my posts that I've penned and I felt a little proud of me. I enjoy the way I write (almost as much as I enjoy being a narcissist apparently...) and its also real fun to vent without really venting...If you know what I mean...which you probably don't...

Hai my crazy little munchkins! I've been writing random "deep" lyrics for some reason. I think I've lost my poem edge. I miss my weird, disjointed way of writing poems, and I want to write more soon! I wrote a poem called Matt the Bunny, and I think it might be my best work yet. I don't want to post it anywhere because I want to turn it into a faux-childrens book. Its a faux one because it involves genocide, bazookas, and crazy evil bunnies. I enjoy it greatly and I want to revise it with someone but I don't know who! I don't have a lot of writer friends, but I do have my amazing Girlfriend who is a writer extraordinaire! I'll probably read her the poem when I see her tomorrow. I'm so awesome sometimes, it makes me laugh! (I'm tellin' ya. Narcissism ftw.)

Hey, my wonderful Popdoodles! Speaking of awesome things, my Gay News segment is turning out to be a good decision. I'm getting a lot of people's opinions and I can feel myself become a better impartial journalist. That's something I'll need for when I take Journalism Tech next year. But anyway, Gay News might have the potential to establish its own community. I've invited people to become more involved by sending in news articles and even video responses! I'm super worried about video responses because I don't want bad people to come on and report, but then be suckish about that. But I remain optimistic at the prospect of getting to sit back and edit things together instead of having to speak words all the times!

I'm currently reading John Green's Paper Towns which came out forever ago, but I never picked it up. This is my first John Green novel and certainly not my last. I find his descriptive language and inner dialogue refreshing and just complicated enough to keep me interested. Also, Margo Roth-Spiegelman has the potential to become the most fascinating woman in literature, in my opinion. (And this opinion will only be for the moment, as I haven't even finished the book yet!) John Green and his brother, Hank, are famous Youtubers and I love them dearly and admire the community they have created.

Wow, I dropped the "Hello" thing at the beginning of paragraphs, and I have just noticed that fact. Damn my non-creative brain for being a fail at life! So my brain is aching, and my eyes are burning with exhaustion (I think I used that line in a poem somewhere) so I will leave you now and stop typing. Gnight.

Bored, A Drabble of things

There is something so fascinating with the concept of boredom. What is it in it's true form? A reason to complain? A great conversation piece? A cry for help? Well, I'd hope its nothing as dramatic as the last one. Anyway, the whole deal of boredom is stupid. Surely a person cannot believe that there is nothing in the world that couldn't occupy their time. For me, I could easily be doing 4 things at any time in my home: Cleaning, watching TV, playing the Wii, or the internet. Naturally, because I'm addicted to it, I gravitate to the internet, but not even the internet cannot entertain you forever. (Believe me, I've tried.)
So what really is boredom? Its not the lack of things to do, its the lack of drive to do them. You could get off your butt, but you'd rather not move at all, being bored out of your mind...
...Wow, the way I put it makes me look like a big ol lazy person. I guess I am then. Maybe I should work on that someday...(Pssh, yeah right!)

Soooo, since we are on the topic of boredom, I just wrote these poems on the fly, out of sheer boredom. Enjoy!

"I have the need to write

But it doesn't feel so right

Blasting punk rock in my room

Fighting through the gloom

It seems that I'm forever doomed

To Boredom"

"Recapturing my childhood

Is easier than it seems

Watching Disney garbage

And "following my dreams"

It all seems like garbage

To believe in such lies

Am I growing too wary?

Or just breaking my ties...

...To moments I once treasured

To stories I once held dear

Back then I couldn't have measured

The future cynic that now writes here"

*Yawn*

"Blah" is

My life

My soul

Summed up in

One

Word. I find the

Mundane

Comforting. While I still

Need to stay

Alive

The music

The books

The friends

The moments

Bring me true

Happiness

But alone, I settle

For pure

Mediocrity in my mind

Where is my

Extraordinary moment?

Gone

With your failed

Ambitions. You

Fantasize

The impossible. Yet you strive for

The average

Boring

Isn't it?

Happy Returns!

It's so hilarious. I was totally sad, but now I'm happy! What was the big change? I missed my friends! The group of people that hang out with my Ex (that I have been subsequently avoiding) were the people that I needed most! It's wierd because they're all a bunch of freshmen and then here's me and my Juniorness getting into everything, but I love them anyway.

So I'm so glad to be happy again!! It's a great feeling. :) I'm never underestimating the power of friendship ever again.

The first of my finals started today. I took my Chem finals and, surprisingly, I knew almost everything on the test. I was so shocked and relieved! I went into this test thinking that I had gleened nothing from the last 4 months, but apparently I learned a bunch! The test was relatively easy, but it had a wide range of topics that we had learned. Luckily, none of it was difficult in the math department.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate math? Okay, I don't exactly hate it but I've just never been good at it. Over my entire Jr. High and High School career, I have gotten high C's in all of my math classes. It's completely infuriating because I really do try! But when I take the tests, I get Ds and Fs. -_-' Algebra 2 is also very difficult when it's taught by a teacher who isn't good at her job. I mean, she's nice and all, but she's not good at teaching this kinda stuff. I basically had to learn about everything solely from the math book, which is almost worse because they leave stuff out for the teachers to tell you. It's like a never ending circle of failure!!!

I thought this vid is very interesting. I'm going to post a comment on my views on the whole Homosexual vs. Gay debate. No, wait. I'm going to make a video response, its easier that way to say what I need to say.

Sad and Lame

This Blog is going to be about me and my sadface. If you don't want to read about my troubles and get youself in a downer kinda mood, then don't read this. Thankies!



So my life in general is pretty awesome right now. I finally figured out an outline of what my college career is gonna look like, I'm getting more and more subscribers everyday on my Youtube show, I just finished reading a fantastic book about Kathy Griffin and her amazingness, and I'm getting decent grades in school.

Despite all this, I'm still fighting the sadness that I got going on. I dunno why I feel this way, which is weird because I'm usually really intune with that kinda stuff but I'm not. Okay, I might have an inkling of what's going on but it's a little complicated.

I think it started after I realized my latest ex-gf (Let's call her Mandy) was a little too unstable for my liking. I don't want to go into all the dramatic details, but our relationship was becoming all about texting, and not about talking face to face. I didn't feel like Mandy was gonna be honest with me when I have legit conversations with her, so I ended it as fast as I could (I sent a text message. Thought it would be poetic on a one-sided kinda way. Mandy doesn't get nuance). Not to mention, she decided it would be alright to tell me some deeply personal information about her life over a 6 page text message, which I am NOT okay with at all under any circumstance. Oh, and she's kinda illiterate too...

Anyway, Did I mention I hate cellphones? They've been the downfall of 2 of my relationships so far so I'm kinda sick of all the bullshit about texting. I'd turn off my texting plan, if it wasn't so important in contacting my parents during class and whatnot.

But I digress, so it happened after I had to reschedule a date with Mandy for the 3rd time or something due to my sucky schedule and so I rollerbladed over to her house in the rain to tell her that I'm sorry (cuz I'm not a heartless bitch and I felt so incredibly guilty about the rescheduling game). I dunno, but in that moment that I was getting ready to go over there, I just felt this profound sense of sadness just fill me. I really can't describe it accurately enough because all I could think was “This entire situation is just sad”. And then that phrase became a part of me and now I'm all sad.

-sigh- Well after I broke up with Mandy (which was this monday), I've done all I can to avoid her because I have no desire or any feeling to try to talk to her. She got so weird that I just can't deal with it. I didn't sign on to that and so I'm avoiding it. Instead of hanging out with the group that Mandy hangs in (which used to be my main clique), I've been hanging in the band room with my bando friends. It's not a bad thing really. I feel like I'm getting to know my band mates a lot more now. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, its not the same. All my gay friends are over with Mandy, and now I can't stand to be near them in fear of being near her and her questions she may or may not ask me (more likely she will ask me to talk).

I dunno what next week will bring, but I'm just gonna deal with it however I can. It's probably not the “right” thing to do, but it makes me feel better. OH! And I've got a GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) Leadership Meeting that's happening next Saturday! I'm bringing Kim and two freshmen president canidates for when I graduate. I'm really stoked about being able to do that again because it was such a blast last time. :)

Oh and all my drama and troubles, you'll never hear it on my youtube channel. Ever. No one wants to hear about sadness (unless theyre a bunch of emos who actually search for that stuff).